Today is a great day! I have a weight problem and have dealt with it all my life. Family always told me I was a little chubby, or even fat. These thoughts have stayed with me no matter how I tried to get them out of my head. I have been dreaming about my mom calling me fat. this is the third summer since she passed away. The feelings and emotions are very strong.
Throughout my life I have lost weight, so many times). Even when I felt good about myself, and looked good, I could not enjoy it because I always felt FAT. If I forgot this, I was reminded when I went home. Later in mom's life, she did compliment me when I lost some weight. She also said I did good. Next thing I know the dreadful word came out.
Maybe it was not as bad as I remember, Maybe it wasn't as often as I remember. Recently I was talking to my sister and she said "you were always a little chubby". Now all in my family are overweight. Maybe she said something to them also. I did not live close so I don't know.
So, I decided I would be fat. I should say that differently. I used these feelings to gain more weight. At one time I even said to myself, "Well since they all think I am fat, I will just be fat"
Them I gained more weight.
I did well at 24 hour fitness and lost inches but the weight stayed the same. I w. as looking better and feeling better. Then, mom passed. Next summer we did as she wished with her ashes. A dear friend of mine died from cancer. I got lost in my emotions and used food, as always, to try and heal the pain.
Well I've been thinking, hubby would say that is a wonder, about losing the weight. About feeling better and healthier. I now have a almost 6 year old granddaughter, I have a wonderful son and daughter-in-law. My hubby is the greatest! He has gone through tragidies and celebrations with me. He has been by my side for 37 years. We went thru many a bad year. At times we hated each other. We both thought our suicide would be best for our partner. Even then, there was something between us that neither understood. Today we call it a deep love for one another. A love that at times we didn't even recognize. I am blessed to have him by my side.
Today we went to Medifast. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am doing their program. I could not do it without the help of my husband and my family and my very special friends.
While I was with mom, she had deminisa, I called my friends just about every day. It broke my heart to spend that time with mom. It also was the most precious time I have spent with her. As I look back on my life, I see a lot of mom in me. I suppose all women do this. I just did not realize how much like my mom I am. She use to sit at the kitchen table and look out the window. I don't know what she was thinking, but, I kinda think at times she was going back over her life. She wished some things were different. My dad died when I was about 5 yrs old and my baby brother was 2 weeks old. She must have been in a terrible depression. In fact I believe mom was depressed most of her adult life. She got an income from the railroad because dad was working on the trains when he got hurt and died. She got to stay home and raise us. Her mother and uncle lived with us also. That could not have been easy. She raised us the best she knew how. She had no life outside her children. I think it made her sad at times. She spent her life waiting on others and really never had a life of her own. She did have a partner for awhile, she again was waiting on others. So I forgive her for all that I think she did wrong to me. I know she loved me and she still does, just from a different place.
Enough of that. The fact is, I am on a new path. In two months I should be 20 lbs lighter and in a year I will have reached my goal. I set my own goal. I know where I felt best. I will never feel good being skinny. I would feel to thin and bony. I need a little bit of meat on the bone, as mommy would say. I am looking forward to feeling better and being healthier. Looking forward to being able to play with my granddaughter, walk with my son and daughter in law, and hiking with my husband when we go camping. Today I feel positive and excited! Tomorrow, or later in the future, I may feel irritable and nasty. I may want to stop the program and go back to what I have become familiar with. I may get to feeling down and out. But, with the support of family and friends I shall bet this and learn how to be alive in new health.
I will let you know how it goes. Oh yeah! I will have more energy to finish quilts and make more. Plus I promised my granddaughter some Barbie clothes. That's what I get for opening my mouth. Anyone that knows me, knows how hard it is to keep my mouth shut. LOL.
Hope your day was as great as mine! See you'all later.
Throughout my life I have lost weight, so many times). Even when I felt good about myself, and looked good, I could not enjoy it because I always felt FAT. If I forgot this, I was reminded when I went home. Later in mom's life, she did compliment me when I lost some weight. She also said I did good. Next thing I know the dreadful word came out.
Maybe it was not as bad as I remember, Maybe it wasn't as often as I remember. Recently I was talking to my sister and she said "you were always a little chubby". Now all in my family are overweight. Maybe she said something to them also. I did not live close so I don't know.
So, I decided I would be fat. I should say that differently. I used these feelings to gain more weight. At one time I even said to myself, "Well since they all think I am fat, I will just be fat"
Them I gained more weight.
I did well at 24 hour fitness and lost inches but the weight stayed the same. I w. as looking better and feeling better. Then, mom passed. Next summer we did as she wished with her ashes. A dear friend of mine died from cancer. I got lost in my emotions and used food, as always, to try and heal the pain.
Well I've been thinking, hubby would say that is a wonder, about losing the weight. About feeling better and healthier. I now have a almost 6 year old granddaughter, I have a wonderful son and daughter-in-law. My hubby is the greatest! He has gone through tragidies and celebrations with me. He has been by my side for 37 years. We went thru many a bad year. At times we hated each other. We both thought our suicide would be best for our partner. Even then, there was something between us that neither understood. Today we call it a deep love for one another. A love that at times we didn't even recognize. I am blessed to have him by my side.
Today we went to Medifast. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am doing their program. I could not do it without the help of my husband and my family and my very special friends.
While I was with mom, she had deminisa, I called my friends just about every day. It broke my heart to spend that time with mom. It also was the most precious time I have spent with her. As I look back on my life, I see a lot of mom in me. I suppose all women do this. I just did not realize how much like my mom I am. She use to sit at the kitchen table and look out the window. I don't know what she was thinking, but, I kinda think at times she was going back over her life. She wished some things were different. My dad died when I was about 5 yrs old and my baby brother was 2 weeks old. She must have been in a terrible depression. In fact I believe mom was depressed most of her adult life. She got an income from the railroad because dad was working on the trains when he got hurt and died. She got to stay home and raise us. Her mother and uncle lived with us also. That could not have been easy. She raised us the best she knew how. She had no life outside her children. I think it made her sad at times. She spent her life waiting on others and really never had a life of her own. She did have a partner for awhile, she again was waiting on others. So I forgive her for all that I think she did wrong to me. I know she loved me and she still does, just from a different place.
Enough of that. The fact is, I am on a new path. In two months I should be 20 lbs lighter and in a year I will have reached my goal. I set my own goal. I know where I felt best. I will never feel good being skinny. I would feel to thin and bony. I need a little bit of meat on the bone, as mommy would say. I am looking forward to feeling better and being healthier. Looking forward to being able to play with my granddaughter, walk with my son and daughter in law, and hiking with my husband when we go camping. Today I feel positive and excited! Tomorrow, or later in the future, I may feel irritable and nasty. I may want to stop the program and go back to what I have become familiar with. I may get to feeling down and out. But, with the support of family and friends I shall bet this and learn how to be alive in new health.
I will let you know how it goes. Oh yeah! I will have more energy to finish quilts and make more. Plus I promised my granddaughter some Barbie clothes. That's what I get for opening my mouth. Anyone that knows me, knows how hard it is to keep my mouth shut. LOL.
Hope your day was as great as mine! See you'all later.
